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Parenting with a Plan

by Jean Tracy

I remember one mom who had the following conversation with her son:
"All my friends cheat," said 11-year old Colby (not his real name).
"What?" exclaimed his mother, "You don't cheat do you?"
"Sometimes, but I never get caught."
When his mom blew up, Colby's ears shut down. Her lectures didn't work.

Whether it's lying, stealing, cheating, or some other problem behavior, do you find yourself giving lectures on being honest while your child rolls his eyes? There is an easier way. Consider using the 4- Point Plan:

Probe Listen Appreciate No Criticizing

Probing Questions:
How about using the questions below to ask your own child right now?

How do you feel when a cheater gets a better grade than you?
How do you think honest kids feel about cheaters?
How much would your class learn if everybody cheated?
Why is it better to be honest?
What advice would you give to cheaters?

Listen:
Listen with respect. Avoid interrupting with your own advice. If you interrupt, your child may shut down and only tell you what you want to hear.

Appreciate:
Praise your child for his best thoughts. Smile, agree, and let him know what you like about his ideas.

No Criticism:
Rather than criticizing, reflect on what your child says. When by yourself, consider ways to improve his thinking. When you do speak, be respectful and honest.

The Change:
After a few counseling sessions, Colby's mom decided to stop her ranting and raving. She stayed in control and helped her son think through the issue of cheating. The PLAN worked!

How about you? Did you ask your child the questions above? I hope it was helpful.

In a Nutshell:
Probe: Be a fact finder.
Listen: Understand how your child thinks.
Appreciate: Praise your child's best thoughts.
No Criticism: Don't agree with his faulty reasoning and don't shut him down either. Use the 4-Point Plan and help your child grow into a person of character.

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