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Family: Loving your Step-Children
©2006 Judy H. Wright, parent educator
"Finding the heart of the story in the journey of life."
www.ArtichokePress.com
Loving your step- child can be both simple and hard. Simple, because as a mature adult you know that all children need and deserve to be loved, and you love their parent and want to share in their lives. Hard, because children from divorce come with different needs, expectations and behaviors. They may or may not be open to returning your love and could be resentful of your presence.
Children's lives revolve around what is happening in the family
The news that Mom and Dad are divorcing throws all their emotions and foundations into a tail spin. No matter what other reactions the children may have concerning a divorce and remarriage, a deep, pervasive sorrow is always present. Sometimes they are afraid to let go of the sadness because it feels like it is a betrayal of their dream of a happy ending or of choosing sides.
It is not enough for parents, step parents and extended family to feel a deep glow of love and acceptance for the children in your circle of influence. You must convey that feeling into a message that is heard, felt and integrated by the child. Children need to be told both verbally and non-verbally how much they are valued for just being them.
As I teach in parenting classes across the country, many people ask me what they can do to have stronger families and more harmony at home. My answer is in the non-verbal clues we give our children. Verbal communication is the language of information and much of that is spent in lecturing, teaching and correcting our children. No wonder they tune most of it out. Studies have shown we remember only 10—20% of what we hear.
Non-verbal communication is the language of relationships
Body language and facial expression is remembered and believed 80-90% of the time. It is the pat on the back, the smile, wink or thumbs up that send signals to children that they are valued and that you are in their corner, no matter what else is happening. So even if you do tell your children you love them, do you show them how precious they are to you? Do your actions demonstrate that your love and acceptance is not conditional upon their school grades, soccer goals or manners at the table?
Keep a list of reasons you admire them.
Sometimes the very things that irritate us the most with children are the strengths they will need to succeed in life. We have to recognize that a stubborn child will turn into a tenacious adult, eventually.
As I interviewed children for my latest book Raise a Confident Child, I was struck by how many children thought their parent's love was tied to their performance, character or behavior. As Jeremy told me "When ever I score at soccer, my dad really loves me, other times I am not so sure."
Children of divorce are especially vulnerable to feeling out of place and needing reassurance that they are wanted and not responsible for the divorce.
Separate the deed from the doer.
Remember it is the behavior that we find unacceptable not the child. There is a big difference between the two and when we are angry, we tend to lump them together. Just because John takes money from the dresser does not make him a thief. It makes him a boy who made a bad decision and needs to learn that it is not acceptable to take money or anything else from anyone without permission.
Don't make it or take it personal.
All families have squabbles and all children say they wish their parents and caregivers were more lenient, generous or understanding. We all try to do the best we can with what we have been given, but we are the adults and must make sure that no matter what the children have given or called us, that we give them guidance, love, discipline and respect. It is our obligation to set consistent boundaries and to assist them in growing into self-directed, contributing members of society.
Even though it may be hard at times, try to see things from the child's point of view. You have a huge capacity for love and caring and want to include the child in the circle of love. Make the effort and don't look for a payback. You will be rewarded in 10 or 20 years when the child becomes a self sufficient and strong adult and thanks you for caring and being in their life.