Home >
Home And Family >
Parenting
Many parents nowadays close their eyes during the teen years, hoping and praying that this behaviour will soon stop, all the while giving the child no support or help in what being an adult is really about "If we want them to behave like adults then we need to provide the conditions for them to do so" - Youth in Society -edited by Jeremy Roche and Stanley Tucker
I recently read this quote in a book and it struck me how accurate it is. I remember my teen years well and while I had a mentor (my Dad) I remember how frustrating it was being a child but thinking like an adult about adult things and having no idea how to be an adult. Many parents nowadays close their eyes during the teen years, hoping and praying that this behaviour will soon stop, all the while giving the child no support or help in what being an adult is really about. We are just expecting them to know how and what an adult is and how to behave, yet we are not providing the conditions for them to behave like adults. Is there any wonder that teenage pregnancy, youth crime and anti-social behaviour is on its way up. The structure we have set up as a society seems to only punish our teens and not support their learning and move them into adulthood. We are acting like judge and jury on their lives, giving them no space to grow and learn.
The typical example is the "You're grounded" scenario. Teen does something that we don't agree with, we ask for an explanation (If they are lucky) and then without any explanation from ourselves we ground them, sometimes not even telling them if they will ever we allowed out of their room. What conditions to behave like an adult is this instilling? Will our teens grow up thinking that every time they do something wrong they will take to their room and all will be well again? Also, inevitably, the teen can talk their parents at some point out of this punishment. Are we then teaching them the art of manipulation? What a better service we would be doing if we sat them down and discussed the implications of their behaviour with them and discussed what a suitable consequence would be.
Are we not setting up the conditions for adulthood by allowing the teen to learn about implications and consequences - these are present in the adult world and I don't know about you, but I have never been grounded since leaving home. At least then if the behaviour continues they are doing it out of choice and not simply for the fact that they got away with this the first time.
So what are the conditions of adulthood? How do we remember that our teens are children yet prepare them for adulthood? I believe we start with ourselves and our relationship with them. How about if for a start we said the conditions were respect, responsibility and independence. How are we as adults showing respect; do we respect ourselves? Do we show respect to others, even those we may not like and do we respect our teen for whom they really are. Do we use the word respect? As an adult are we responsible? Are we showing our teen that we are responsible for our finances, relationships, fulfilment and circumstances? Do we admit our mistakes and learn, or do we blame others? Are we fully responsible for our choices, or do we only deal with things when a crisis looms? How do we show we are independent? Do we rely on others to give us what we want and need in life or are we truly fulfilled just relying on ourselves? How do we show inter-dependency in our lives with those whom are important? Are we being the role model for our teen? Are we being the change we want to see in them?
So this month I want you to look at yourself and ask, "How am I providing the conditions for adulthood?" "Whom do I need to become to see a change in them?"
Be truthful and honest and adjust accordingly. Remember, if you want your teen to behave like an adult it is not just enough to expect that they know how, we need to show them the way.
About the Author
Sarah Newton founded Coaching 4 Teens in 2002. She quickly built a reputation for delivering quality coaching that produced quick results. She was among the first eight people to be trained in the Parent as Coach approach. To this approach Sarah brings her own experiences of working with teenagers for four years training them in such topics as crime, drugs, safety and citizenship.