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An introspective on skepticle Christian thought. Attempts to explain how to balance doubt, with faith. Not too deep though.
Skeptic is such a harsh word, especially when dealing with an explosive topic like religion. Maybe, doubter -but that brings to mind poor Thomas. I think the most appropriate word for my thoughts sometimes would be "questioner." It doesn't quite ring for a catchy title though does it?
I often do my best thinking when I'm practicing mindless chores like vacuuming, or mowing the lawn. It's also at these times that I give religion some of my most serious consideration. I suppose it's natural that as one gets older, you tend to examine your life, beliefs, achievements and even failures. Above all of these for many Christians I imagine, is how they've lived their life according to God's rules.
Rules - such an interesting word for creatures that are supposed to have free will. Maybe this is why so much of what I've heard from ministers comes back to me to be contemplated and weighed according to what I've seen and felt in my own spiritual life. More often than not lately, I can't seem to justify what I hear, with what I feel. And I wonder, "Is it just me?"
I went to the bookstore a couple of years ago to see what they had on the subject of questioning God, and was shocked at how many books there were on the subject. I knew right then that I wasn't alone. I picked up a book by Phillip Yancey, took it home and read it, but in the end, felt that I was no closer to understanding the "Why's" of my feelings. I did find however, that it isn't necessarily bad to question God. In fact, the Bible mentions specific instances when people questioned God, tested God, and in the case of Moses, even argued with God. In none of these instances (ok, except for Jonah, but that was more of a refusal to submit) were they punished for their actions.
The Bible talks about having "childlike faith." That's believing in something regardless of how irrational and unprovable it may seem. Childlike faith mandates that you just accept things as they are, period. That's hard for me. Perhaps that's the introvert coming out. I sometimes wish I did have childlike faith, but then again, I sort of enjoy being on the fringe of societal thinking. Maybe I'm a snob.
When I was growing up, in my early years, my family was in the church every time there was a service. Sunday morning and evenings, Wednesday nights, revivals, often even heading out to another church if some member of our family attended there. Then, I worshiped with an abandon that I can't seem to summon these days. I cared little for what people thought, and got caught up in the excitement of the services. Now I rarely clap my hands when prompted by the pastor because I feel that, worship forced, is worship wasted. Perhaps I'm a cynic. It seems to me that God wants worship when we want to give it to him, not just because someone on the front row stood up and we feel guilty for being the only one sitting down.
I love God in my own way, but it doesn't seem to be with the depth of love that I hear in songs. While I love contemporary Christian music by groups like Avalon and Third Day, I often find myself wondering if they really mean the words they sing when they say things like, "I want to fall in love with you (God)." If so, I feel terribly inadequate. I fell in love with my wife, and I love God, but they aren't the same. To equate one with the other doesn't seem right.
Though as a member of a Protestant church, I'm not sure I believe in the Trinity. There's God, and there's Jesus, but was God just speaking metaphorically when he said he would send the Holy Ghost to comfort us? I wonder if we haven't taken metaphors from the Bible, and lent them meanings that cause people to do or think things in a certain way. Isn't sometimes a rose, just a rose?
I've stopped being scared like I was as a child that Judgment Day is upon us. While I try to live my life in a pure fashion - and often fail miserably - I don't wake up in an empty house and wonder if the Lord came while I was asleep, and I was left behind. Fear of Armageddon is a terrible thing to instill in a child. Though I work to squash the thoughts, I sometimes equate Judgement Day fervor, with the boy who cried wolf. After 29 years of expectancy, it tends to lose it's imperative.
I could go on, but you get the picture. I made the mistake one-day of telling my new wife how I felt. It scared her. She was hurt. Not so much because she was disappointed in me and that I had failed to meet her expectations as a Christian husband, but more because she had never questioned her faith. She didn't think the things that I did. And while her spiritual life has been as generic as mine, she couldn't fathom my doubt. She doesn't pick apart Biblical inconsistencies and cross-reference them. She felt that I didn't believe in God at all, which isn't the case.
Believe me, I've asked myself a million times, "Why do I still believe? Why do I bother to pray when I feel that I often repeat the same things over and over and surely God gets tired of hearing about the same old stuff." Wouldn't you? But we're taught that God's nature is such that he wants to hear about our day. He wants us to bring our problems to him. He also wants to be the center of our world and that's very difficult for me when I can see and feel and touch my wife, but I can't carry on a conversation with God because it tends to be very one-sided.
Strangely enough, I do believe. In my own way, I love God. Maybe it's carry over from the one truly unexplainably wonderful experience I had as a child. I will never be able to explain it away. I'll never be able to chalk it up to simple emotions. And then there's the little "coincidences" that happen from time to time. Whether it's God or not, he gets the "Thank You."
I've accepted that I'll probably never be a public worshipper. Instead, I tend to be the "Go in your closet and shut the door, and praise God," type. I don't beat myself up anymore because I can't explain everything I can't prove. Back to childlike faith, but different.
In the end, it's very simple for me. Several years ago, I was sitting at work; it was a contract job and I was only there for a few months. My fiancé had just broken things off and I was really getting back into church after a layoff while I was in the military. I was sitting at my computer hardly able to even think straight when a calming came over me and the words of Psalm 46:10 came to my mind:
"Be still and know that I am God."
Many times, often in the fall when I'm outside in the crisp air, watching the leaves come down, that particular Psalm comes to me and I know that there IS a God. All the doubts and questions that I have don't matter. All that matters is that I know deep down that there is a God, and that he is aware of me. He may not always seem to respond right away when I ask him a question, but he is there nonetheless.
Just as he forgives me my sins, he forgives me my doubts. He knows my heart without me having to tell him. He knows how I truly feel regardless of the words that I don't say. He knows me, and that's enough.
About the Author
Chris Souther is a Technical / Freelance Writer & Trainer in Atlanta, GA. His freelance articles cover a wide variety of topics. See his most current E-book on Job Hunting at: Http://Learn.To/GetaJobOnline